WaaaaghHammer A Nerd Dark Future
by IwriteThings
Summary: In the Grim Darkness of Space... there is only nerds and miniature warfare! Follow the adventures of two friends who discover that the game they once played is real and the adventures they shared are really only just beginning.


A/N – This is a story that I created for a friend of mine. He asked me to make something with him in it and since we both love Warhammer I went ahead and just started on a fiction using that Universe. I adore the Warhammer Universe and hope that any one who decides to read this story will understand it was made to satisfy the wants of one person... but I think it has enough romance, action, fun, and Mild-GrimDark to satisfy us all.

Thank you,

IWriteThings

Waaaaghammer!

Frightful blasts of energy tinted a burgundy hue buffeted the hull of the Witch Hunter vessel. The small ship had been expertly piloted to the very mouth of the Warp Hole located in the Brintar Nebula by its crew and was in a holding pattern just outside of the event horizon. Hovering near the point of no return seemed to be an everyday occurrence for this group.

"We are 9 minutes from navigational lock High Inquisitress." Spoke the navigator. She wore a purple robe that was tightly cinched at the waist. The metallic glint of steel pronged heels peeked out from below the hem line. She was advanced and right of the ship's captain seat. Her console glittered with activity and the reflections of red and green bounced haphazardly against her milk white skin and hair.

"Excellent work 'Triss." Replied the High Inquisitress as she bent at the waist to tug sharply at one of the cinches that fastened her blood red boots. She wore highly polished leather boots with a stiletto heel. The boots extended upwards to her kneecaps where it gave way to skin tight leather pants that were in the same polished red color. A gold trimmed buckle glimmered under the harsh electric lights within the cabin in tandem with a belt that had little use with such form fitting pants. Her top was equally form fitting in a matching red with a single rank pin adorning her collar. The rank pin was shaped in the form of a simple dagger denoting her as an Officer in the ranks of the Witch Hunters.

High Inquisitress Celeste parted her pink lips lightly as she pressed her tongue outwards. The shine of her tongue glowed brightly against her chocolate brown skin. She quickly swiped her thumb against her tongue, leaving a wet streak on her blood red glove, and then leaned forward once more to polish the tip of her immaculate boot. She was fidgeting nervously as the entire crew prepared for a mission that could be considered sacrilegious. She didn't understand her orders entirely, but she trusted in the Emperor to guide her as she performed her duties as a Godhand.

In fact, the entire crew assigned to this delicate and dangerous mission held the title of Godhand. Shadowy servants of the Emperor who performed the most dangerous missions that a Witch Hunter could ever be assigned to, they worked with near immunity to over sight and spent most of their time silencing the Lords enemies. This made them both feared as well as hated, and there have been many a Godhand who has disappeared in the bureaucracy of Imperial business.

Every member of the crew worked with bated breath as they wondered what would happen after they exited Warp-Space. They didn't know for sure if they would even survive the trip let alone return with the cargo they were ordered to acquire.

Taking slow and deliberate breaths the young man guided his tool with utmost care. Slowly the green tipped instrument edged closer and closer to its target. The man inhaled sharply, released half the breath, and then held it as he stroked the paintbrush against the miniature Ork with utmost precision. Removing the brush from within range of the small figurine he released the breath and gazed admiringly at the painted object.

"Finished." He puffed before blowing gently on the miniature. It was an exquisitely painted reproduction of an Ork 'Ard Boy equipped with a tiny axe in one hand and an equally small pistol in the other. He then placed the mini down with a group of approximately 40 more painted much like it.

"Time to get ready." The man spoke softly as he held his paint splattered digits out to admire them. "Gotta' win. He chanted as he headed to the hallway and opened a closet. He retrieved a towel and a washcloth and made his way to the bathroom. 15 minutes later he was making his way back to his bedroom while ruffling his hair with the towel in an attempt to dry it.

The man was about 23 years of age and had scruffy brownish hair. His eyes were a bright blue and he wore a deep scar around his cheek and right eye in a shape that told the tale of a vicious dog bite that was partially hidden under his glasses. His build was nerdy with a hint of gym rat and he wore a bright red shirt with a white outline of an Ork 'Waaaagh Banner'. He had decided to throw on a pair of slightly wrinkled brown cargo pants and then he slipped on a pair of black and brown Van's.

"You guys ready to Waaaagh the hell out of some people?" He questioned as he looked in the direction of the miniatures on his desk. "This is the last tournament today. We got to win this one!" He pep talked himself as he gazed at the small army before him.

Reaching down to pluck a single Ork 'boy up between two fingers he placed it in his opposite hands palm. "Ready?" He questioned.

The miniature appeared to be rallying the troops with axe at the ready and a pistol held high in the air as though he were blasting holes in the atmosphere.

"I can't hear you!" The man spoke as he held the miniature up to his ear. "We have to be motivated if we want to win!"

"Waaagh!" The man whispered before holding out the mini in front of him again. "Good job!" He laughed before kneeling down and beginning the arduous process of packing his 1500-point army up into several black miniature carriers.

A blue cell phone resting on a bedside table lit up with blue and green lights before it began to shake and vibrate. After several seconds of movement an instrumental rendition of a popular rap song began to play. The phone began to dance dangerously towards the edge of the table.

Moving from the desk where he was packing away his miniatures, the man stepped over a pile of mostly clean clothes and grabbed hold of the phone. He unplugged it from its charger and brought the device up wards to his ear, mashing the answer button as he did so.

"What is up my d o double g." The man spoke in a forced and proper tone, in sharp contrast to the ebonics style he used.

"What's up Sam?" came a reply over the phone. "You ready for a royal ass whooping courtesy of the Tau? For the greater good and all that."

"Sure Joe. Do you want to pick me up?" Sam asked as he returned to prepping his army of Warhammer miniatures.

"Yea. I am outside." Joe spoke as the shrill sound of a horn honking echoed from just outside of Sam's house.

"Cool, I will be outside in just a minute." Sam spoke before clicking the phone off and placing it into his left cargo pocket. He then double checked the carrying handles and straps for his two miniature carry-all bags and took one last look around the room before making his way to the front of his house. He opened the door, set the two bags outside and then drew the wooden door shut before locking it and then securing the iron outer door.

As he picked the bags up again he took a look at the 4-door silver colored car in his drive way. Sitting in the driver seat smoking a cigarette was Joe, Tau-Fighter and supreme best friend of Sam. He was wearing a black button up shirt with a check patterned over coat. His goatee was still gruff and not entirely filled in.

Sam yanked on the handle to the back seat passenger door, before throwing an exasperated look at Joe. "Open it ass." He barked as the door clicked loudly at the press of a button by Joe.

"'Sup?" Joe asked as Sam placed his two miniature carriers into the back seat of the small econo-car.

Opening the passenger door, Sam jumped into the vehicle and extended a fist that Joe quickly bumped with his own fist. "Not much. Ready to get that ass waxed by my Ork Horde?"

"For the greater good!" Joe exclaimed as he extinguished his cigarette and placed the vehicle into reverse.

"Waaagh!" Sam reciprocated as he leaned back in his seat for the short drive to the comic store where the Warhammer 40K tournament was being held.

"Nerds." Joe spoke as they pulled into the parking lot; he pointed at a huddled mass of geeks wearing Warhammer shirts and carrying black army tote bags.

"In their natural habitat." Sam commented as he grinned at the irony or it all.

After parking the vehicle the pair excavated their army totes from the back seat of the car and began to walk towards the shop in the strip mall where the other nerds were amassed at. Several scattered palm trees decorated the mostly desolate parking lot. A single bastion of nerd-dom lay huddled between a Chinese restaurant and a postal annex.

"Don't you sometimes want to just stomp up to these dudes and demand their lunch money so you can buy more minis?" Sam asked through the side of his mouth as he nodded at an alpha nerd who had made eye contact with him.

"Sometimes." Joe replied.

The conversation halted as the undulating mass of nerds fell silent when Joe and Sam arrived. An uncomfortable silence befell the group as the socially awkward troop began the process of sizing each other up.

"Ork?" a balding man who wore an Imperial Guard shirt grunted as he pointed at Sam's shirt.

"Waaagh." Sam replied calmly causing several snorts and grunts of laughter to peel from the group. "My bro-mantic homeboy here is Tau." Sam spoke as he jerked a thumb at Joe.

"Word." Joe stated as he crossed his arms.

"Nice. My name is John and I play Imperial." John spoke. "That is Carl, he plays Ork too." A quick and shy Waargh! Erupted from the mousey gamer before he returned to an awkward shyness. "That is Kevin. He is Eldar." John rattled off several more names and eventually a casual conversation about Warhammer and its intricacies began to pervade the scene.

After 20 minutes of casual small talk, a late modal econo-line van with a faded brown paint job rolled into the parking lot and the conversation halted once more.

"Sal is here." Sam spoke in order to chase away the silence as he pointed at the van.

A tall and heavy set man exited the driver seat of the van. He was wearing a Warhammer 40k shirt that didn't particularly represent any specific army or faction in a subdued blue. He opened the side door of the van and pulled out two white boxes before shutting the sliding door with his foot and making his way towards the group.

"Hey 'fellas!" Sal yelled as the group parted in anticipation of him opening the door to the shop. "You all ready to battle it out to the death?"

"Waaaargh!" Sam yelled as several others got in on crying out their hearty battle cries.

One of the guys standing around took the white boxes from Sal and he proceeded to jingle through a prodigious number of keys before finally getting the door unlocked, he then immediately bee-lined for a white keypad located near the middle of the store in order to disable the alarm while the rest of the nerds began to file into the room.

"Hey guys! Can I get everyone to sign in over here?" John yelled out as he held up a sheet of paper. "You will also need to drop your $10 with Sal for the entrance fee. Ok?"

"Then we all buy beer and hookers and pass out! Right?" the man who was introduced as Kevin called out as several folks laughed out loud.

"Oh lawd." Joe whispered to Sam causing him to chuckle.

Sam and Joe crowded into the sign up group and paid Sal, each entering their armies into the tournament.

"Ready to win dude?" Sam asked as he extended his fist to Joe.

"Hell yea." Joe replied before bumping fists with Sam.

"Sam Jones and Kevin Sanders will be on table one!" John called out as he perused the sign-in sheet. "Joe Earl and Carl on table two!" and so on and so forth he broke the players up into matches.

Sam placed his bikers, deffkoptas, 'kans, and trukks out on the table in a way that allowed him to utilize the natural cover from the terrain while also giving him the ability to best attack the agile Eldar army spread before him.

"Here is my list." Kevin piped up as he passed Sam a sheet of paper with his army list on it.

"Cool. Here is mine." Sam replied as he passed off his list as well.

After receiving their goals and setting up the table the two began the match. Sam had been nervous when the match first started, but he realized that Kevin was relying on a team designed to defeat single but more powerful creatures. He hadn't planned on defending himself against a massive green sea of 'dead killy' Orcs.

"Damn." Kevin grumbled as John declared Sam the winner of the first match.

Joe seemed to have fared much better against Carl and his Orks since he had so much practice against Sam before the tournament.

Sam threw Joe a thumbs up as the tournament continued and Sam and Joe continued to slay all who stood in their way.

"All right guys! Let's break for lunch!" John yelled as the tournament had gone on for several hours.

"You hungry?" Sam asked as Joe piled his minis close together at the edge of one of the tables.

"I suppose." Joe replied as he turned and stepped over to stand near Sam. "What do you want?"

"Want to do Ching-Chong?" Sam asked before placing the rest of his army back into its bag. He didn't plan on leaving his miniatures unwatched at the tournament.

"I guess Ching-Chang-Chong is fine." Joe spoke before yawning and stretching his arms above his head for a moment. "Let's go next door."

"All right." Sam replied as he handed one of his mini-bags to Joe. "I'll pay today since you got last time."

"Cool." Joe replied calmly as they exited the store and headed one door down to the Chinese restaurant. The walls were painted in a magnificent red and gold. Two large dragons framed the doorway in a gold color and the scent of ethnic cooking filled the air.

Sam's glasses began to fog as soon as they stepped into the humid restaurant. The eating area was cramped and several of the other tournament participants had found seats and were ordering their meals.

Joe and Sam sat at a wobbly wooden table with a plexi-glass cover. Under the glass was a "Chinese New Year" map that had different animals on it and a short description of how their life would be depending on what year the reader was born.

"Joe, you said you were a tremendous cock right?" Sam asked as he pointed at the 'cock" on the sheet of paper. "It says here you need to avoid choking hazards and look both ways before crossing the street."

"Nice one." Joe dead panned as he reached over the table to pick up two menus. He nonchalantly passed one to Sam.

"I want the… beef fried rice." Joe spoke quickly before setting his menu down.

"I'm going to do the beef and broccoli." Sam spoke as he leaned over in his seat to better tuck his mini-army carrier under the table.

After several minutes a short Hispanic lady wearing a pair of black spandex pants and a white shirt made her way to their table. After taking their drink and food order she left chopsticks, straws, and napkins for the pair and made her way back to the kitchen.

"So how is the tourney going?" Sam questioned nonchalantly as he lifted his chopsticks up out of their paper holster and broke them loose.

"Good." Joe replied as he repeated the same actions Sam took. "I can't wait to beat your ass for the win."

"Same." Sam yawned.

It seemed as though the kitchen had anticipated the noon time lunch rush and the food and drinks were served quickly. Joe and Sam both received piping hot and steamy bowls filled to the brim with their ethnic cuisine of choice.

"It's good today." Joe commented before the pair dug into their plates and all conversation rolled to a halt.

Within minutes the plates were licked clean and Sam and Joe were opening fortune cookies while the waitress charged the meal to Sam's credit card.

Gripping the bottom of the cookie, Sam squeezed hard on the plastic wrap causing the cookie to pop cleanly through the opposite end. He discarded the wrap and gripped the cookie in between his thumbs and forefingers before cracking it cleanly in two. Popping half the cookie into his mouth he pulled the white slip of paper out and flipped it over to read his fortune.

"I hope you like cat." Sam commented causing Joe to look up from his fortune.

"What?" Joe asked.

"Just kidding. It says 'you will go on a wonderful trip, contemplate bringing a friend'."

"'Adventure awaits you'." Joe replied before he handed the cookie pieces to Sam as per their ritual.

Sam quickly scarfed down the cookie bits and after recovering his card and signing the bill the pair made their way back to the game shop.

"Good lunch?" John asked from the customer side of the counter, near Sal who was leaned over on his elbows on the glass divider filled with nerdtastic cards and toys.

"Yep." Sam spoke as he meandered over towards Sal and John with Joe in tow.

"Looks like it will be you two for First and Second." Sal piped up as he looked appraisingly at the pair. "You two ready?"

"For sure." Joe spoke as he placed one of the army carriers he helped Sam carry on the floor at his feet and then meandered over to where he had placed his army.

"We will start in about 10 more minutes. I think a few guys all ready left. Kevin got the bi and he made third."

"Cool." Sam spoke as he stepped off in the direction of Joe. "What table you want to do?" He questioned.

"The sci-fi one." Joe spoke as he pointed at a black table.

The table was colored black with several metallic buildings scattered over its surface. A large tower figured prominently in the center with a gothic motif. It appeared to be part of an Imperial Guard style set and the city scattered about gave excellent cover for both armies.

The pair wordlessly began to set up their armies in anticipation of the coming match. Joe decided he wanted the side with a hill and he placed a unit of Tau Piranhas on it before scattering the rest of his army on the table strategically.

Sam spotted a choke point that Joe had over looked. The terrain was impassable on one side and considered dangerous on the other, so he placed his killa' 'kans in a wall to funnel the attackers into the dangerous terrain. He also placed his infantry in a way that would allow him to quickly assault any figures that tried to make their push through that area. He finally set his scout units in such a position as to allow him to rush past the 'kans and begin harassing the Tau quickly.

"Good luck bro." Joe spoke as he extended his fist across the table.

"Eh… We both won all ready. Good job dude. Now it's just an exhibition." Sam smiled before bumping fists with Joe.

"You dudes ready?" John asked as a small crowd began to form around the table.

"Let's do it." Sam and Joe spoke nearly simultaneously before they each rolled a pair of six sided dice.

Sam dropped a pink and gold dice while Joe chucked a blue and green down. Joe won the initiative roll and the battle commenced as he began to funnel a few units into the expertly laid trap.

"I see what you did there." Joe spoke as he concentrated deeply; his eyes locked on the table.

The first round saw the destruction of one 'kan and several Tau warriors and a few of the onlookers began to wager amongst themselves over who may be victorious in such a battle.

Sal stood behind the crowd and viewed what he could of the game. He wore a worried frown on his face as he turned to check the digital clock hung on the wall. He felt butterflies in his stomach as he wondered how the plan was going to work out. He wasn't even sure if he had made the right decision but he prayed that the God-Emperor had guided him well.

A groan from several Tau players in the audience shocked him from his stupor long enough to give him a moment to survey the carnage on the table. It appeared the Orks, barring a ridiculously stupid decision, would be able to pull this one off. So he began to appraise the player. His eyes locked on Sam as he wondered if this Earthling could lead his people to triumph.

A bell ringing caused him to turn to the door. They were here. The Witch Hunters had arrived in all their glory.

Sal locked eyes with High Inquisitress Celeste before bowing at the waist imperceptibly as his eyes dipped to the floor. She had brought two guards with her. One he recognized as Herra, her eye patch and the deep scar that bisected her left eye stood out greatly. She was known to be a dangerous and well trained Godhand with an affinity for heavy weapons. Her face was proudly framed by her traditional bowl cut white hair that stood out frighteningly brilliant against her equally creamy white skin.

At the High Inquisitress' right hand side stood a woman he did not recognize. He wasn't perturbed by the fact that he didn't know her, and settled with asking as few questions as possible. Being nosey in the business of the Emperor was asking for trouble.

"COS PLAY GIRLS!" Came a voice as the entire gaming group began to crane to catch a glimpse of the Witch Hunters.

"Sal! How did you get this going?" John asked as he and several other games began to gaze lewdly at the women.

"Oh uhhh… They were sent by the folks who made Warhammer to deliver the prize to the winners." Sal quickly spoke as he shot a pained look at the incensed looking Witch Hunters.

"Hotness." Sam whispered as he fought the urge to look at the women. He tried pointedly to ignore them as he and Joe returned to playing the game. He always felt uncomfortable leering at women who weren't digital images on a computer screen.

"I like the eye patch one." Joe spoke nonchalantly before he too returned to the game. Years of rejection strengthened his resolve not to get his hopes up over some of the most beautiful women he had ever seen.

"We are just finishing up the last match." Sal spoke as he clasped his hands together and stepped towards Celeste. He then reached over and quickly grabbed one of the white boxes and pried the top open. "Here are the awards."

"Excellent." Celeste spoke as she reached out and plucked two small trophies and two small gift certificates from the box held open before her. She raised an eye at the gift certificates but said nothing as she read the words. 'Good for one free box of miniatures with a value of $50 or less'.

"And the winner is Sam!" John cried out as several golf claps erupted from the much smaller crowd. The majority of the people there were packed around the beautiful women who were staring daggers at them.

"Champions! Stand before me!" Celeste growled as she motioned for the group before her to part.

Sam and Joe shared a look before making their way towards the women. Sam immediately locked eyes with Celeste and held the gaze, never allowing his eyes to travel any lower than her face.

Joe however found himself struggling to keep his eyes off of Herra. Something was igniting inside of him as his cheeks flushed and he struggled to pay attention to Celeste and her winner's speech.

"As Champions of this tournament you have been awarded this chalice and this… gift certificate." She bellowed before extending the items to Joe and Sam in turn. "You have also earned something much greater. Something important." She continued mysteriously.

"Ah! They got a date with the cosplay girls? That is so freaking sweet!" Kevin barked as he placed both hands on his head.

A cold look from Herra silenced any more outbursts.

"Ok." Sam replied nervously as he realized he and Celeste hadn't broken eye contact yet. She had been staring into his eyes the entire time they spoke.

"Strategist Jones." Celeste stated simply before finally turning her piercing gaze to Joe. "Warlord Earl."

"Nice." Joe grinned before falling silent at a quick but much less harsh look from Herra.

"Please, come with us." Celeste finished before turning with a military sharpness. The crack of her boot heels on the hard floor echoed through the room as most of the eyes in the room fell below waist level.

A swirling ebb of energy convalesced in space somewhere near the planet Mars. The red planet glowed brightly in contrast to the star-scape that dotted the sky. Bright rifts of mauve lightning crackled outwards like some twisted teslacoil hung precariously in the nothingness of space before the entire spectacle fell dark. Then an explosion of energy cracked outwards in a wave formation and in the center of it all appeared a Goliath Class Medium Attack Cruiser.

"Uhoh." 'Triss spoke as her instruments began to flash wildly.

Her assignment was simple; to look for anomalies in the immediate galaxy while the away team was on the planet known as 'Earth'. She had found an anomaly and just as quickly it had faded off of her instrument panel.

The clatter of keys echoed through the sterile air. 'Triss worked furiously to analyze the recorded data over the past several minutes and her demeanor began to change the more she read.

"This is very not good." She breathed. She shuffled and fidgeted in her seat as the typing reached a crescendo before she halted. "Let's see what you are." She whispered before pressing one more key and rotating in her seat to face the Captains chair.

A green glimmer flickered and the form of a Goliath Class Attack Cruiser began to form in the holographic display system situated directly in front of the Captain's chair. The ship, though tinged a sickly green and slightly transparent, still commanded respect even in hologram form. A missile battery lay prominently on the top of the ship with the mark of the Emperor emblazoned brightly on the sides.

Goliath Class ships were known for their impressive armament of projectile based weapons, carrier like retinue of attack ships it housed in its gaping maw, and a galaxy wide respected cloaking system that had been rumored to be a derivative of Tau technology captured during a heated battle on Tranimus Prime.

"Dropping through the Warp and cloaking without identifying yourself to a Witch Hunter vessel?" 'Triss questioned as she stroked her cheek with one finger while falling into deep thought. "I don't think you are here to be very helpful." She singsonged before rotating back to her console and keying the communication system.

Sam and Joe shared a look as they followed the women out of the store. Neither was entirely sure what the oddly dressed retinue wanted with the pair but they expected they would find out soon enough.

"You think they are going to take advantage of us?" Joe asked quietly. They were following the strip mall sidewalk leftwards past the postal annex towards the side of the building.

"Probably going to beat us up and take our lunch money for more minis." Sam replied causing Joe to grin.

"Not exactly." Herra spoke up without turning towards the no longer grinning pair.

Celeste reached up to her ear and pressed on a button type ear ring before speaking. "Go ahead 'Triss, we have the package."

"I hate blue tooths. So lame." Sam commented as he watched the beautiful woman speaking.

"What?" Celeste nearly shouted as she stopped in her tracks causing Joe and Sam to bump into each other as they tried not to run into the group in front of them.

"What?" Sam asked humorously before looking pointedly at the ground when Herra turned to shoot a deadly look at him.

"We need to move. Now!" Celeste growled as she quickly span on her heels to grab Sam by his shirt collar. "NOW!" She yelled as she began forcing him forward.

Herra turned to face Joe but refrained from grabbing him when he lifted his hands up in an appeasing manner and began to chase after Sam and Celeste without much provocation.

"So what is wrong?" Sam questioned as they rounded the corner to the shop and came face to face with three very nice motorcycles. They seemed to match the Warhammer theme with their curvy lines, wide bodies, and Witch Hunter-esque paint jobs. The bikes had medium length inverted folks, red and white paint jobs, and the emblem of the Arcanum Emporium emblazoned brightly in the paint. There also appeared to be a mounting system for some heavy duty saddle bags or other items.

"Are those hard points?" Joe questioned as he watched Herra sprint past him to one of the bikes.

Herra gazed with a surprised look in her eyes at the man before pointing at the rear seat after mounting the bike. "You sit here. NOW!" She barked.

"Yes m'am." Joe blurted quickly before placing one hand on her shoulder and vaulting onto the back of the motorbike. He immediately scooted in as close as he could to the woman and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Be gentle. This is my first time." He whispered in her ear causing her to shudder with a painful look on her face.

Celeste mounted her bike as well and practically yanked Sam onto the rear seat.

"Helmets?" Sam asked as he looked about.

"Shut up!" Celeste barked before flipping several switches mounted on a dashboard just forward of the gas tank. She then stood up on the kick start and slammed her body down ward.

The loud rumble of the bikes roaring to life made Sam nervous as he wondered how safe this was. "Is this like a commercial or something? Or are we on like… fear factor or something? 'Cuz I am getting pretty scared." He rambled over the roar of the bikes.

"Hold on!" Celeste yelled before rolling back on the throttle and allowing the clutch to slam forward. The heavy bike lifted the front wheel momentarily before the woman extended her right leg and leaned hard causing the motorcycle to rotate on its balance point. They had performed a 180 degree turn and were now rocketing out of the parking lot and towards a busy intersection.

"AHHHHH!" Sam yelled as he instinctively gripped the woman saddled in front of him. "SLOW DOWN!" He bellowed as he buried his face in her snow white hair.

Joe grinned as he opened his palms and allowed his hands to slip up and down Herra's stomach as she too whipped her bike around to follow Celeste.

"Stop." Herra barked before slapping at his arm with one open hand. She then returned to gripping the bars with both hands.

"Sorry." Joe whispered before returning to wildly grinning while trying to look over her shoulder.

The screams emanating from Sam dried up immediately as abject terror stripped the breath from his lungs. They were barreling head long towards the broadside of a midsize sedan and he could see his life flashing before his eyes. Sam tensed up every muscle in his body to the point his eyes were clamped shut and he anticipated the sound of crunching steel and broken glass.

The entire world seemed to turn on end as the bike entered a drifting slide and began to pull in a parallel direction with the automobile. Just as Celeste remade traction and began accelerating into traffic, the two subordinate 'Hunters and Joe followed through with their slides and the trio of bikes began a dangerous dance through stop and go traffic in a mad dash towards the Interstate.

Pressing a red communication button located on the left handle of the bike Celeste began speaking. "We have an incoming Goliath Class with unknown intentions. Ghosting. 15 minutes until pick up. Expect a hot egress."

"Lovely." Herra laughed scathingly as she contemplated Celeste's emergency briefing.

Joe hummed to himself as he fought to gaze about at his surroundings. He knew they were headed towards a less populated part of the city that had a lot of new developments. He knew they were going fast. He also knew he was going to razz the hell out of Sam because it looked like his body was so tense his pants were going to eat the seat he was planted on.

"What does ghosting mean?" Joe questioned curiously as he listened to the briefing. He could hear it by having his head rested on Herra's shoulder.

"It means we have a cloaked ship that could destroy this planet headed right at us." Herra replied. She had tilted her head slightly and a weird flip flop sensation popped like a guinea pig in her stomach as Joe's warm breath rushed onto and then off her cheek, chased off by the rushing wind.

"Oh ok. Cool." Joe continued as he shrugged. "Tell them I said hey."

Herra stared straight ahead as an incredulous look flashed over her features. She wondered if the human didn't have an entirely lucid understanding of exactly what was happening.

The bikes continued to pour on speed on the highway, but the smooth road inspired courage in Sam and he loosened his tightly closed eye lids. "Where are you taking me?" He asked carefully.

"I'm concentrating." Celeste replied as she smoothly guided the bike back and forth between cars.

"Ok." Aaron continued as he slowly began to relax. He felt confident and almost safe as the scenery whizzed past in a blur of colors and shapes.

Slowly the bikes began to slow and Aaron ventured a glimpse to the rear where he spotted Joe gripping Herra almost lewdly; lecherous grin on his face.

Then the terror returned as Celeste turned the bike off the highway and onto a sandy patch of dirt that extended out into the desert. The dust and sand began to splatter in a myriad of directions as the bikers began trailblazing over very dangerous looking flora.

"Uhh… Cactus…." Sam spoke as he pointed with a single finger towards some towering green plants.

"I see that. Thank you." Celeste replied as she tried silencing him with a rude tone.

"More cactus." Sam continued as he pointed at several more plants with his index finger; though never allowing his hands to stray from her body.

"Shut up. Thank you." Celeste replied as she continued to concentrate firmly on the landscape ahead.

"I knew you were going to take advantage of us, taking two defenseless nerds to the desert without adult supervision." Joe whispered as he fought back laughter.

"You wish." Herra replied as she too struggled to keep a stoic face.

Sam was further shocked to see an amazingly well built replica of a Warhammer Imperial Drop-Pod resting in what appeared to be a charred circular clearing.

"Damn you must have an off the wall production budget." Sam spoke breathlessly as he gazed in awe at the massive monolith. He fell silent as one of the walls separated and slowly fell to the ground, creating a ramp for the women to pull into the structure.

"This is amazing." He groaned as the loud rumble of the bikes became deafening in the enclosed space.

Celeste lifted her fist and the three bikes fell silent as kick stands clanked to the floor.

"Off." Celeste commanded, causing Sam to scramble to lift himself off the motorcycle. "We are leaving now. Hold onto something!"

Herra and her compatriot both grabbed onto a steel bar that lined the circumference of the pod causing Sam and Joe to follow suit as Celeste seated herself at what appeared to be a control pad of some sorts.

Just as Sam and Joe got a firm grip on the handle, they were shaken by an odd pulsing sensation. It almost felt as though they were lifting upwards, and a butterfly like sensation began to fill their stomachs.

"This is so cool." Joe exclaimed as he grinned widely. "Should we act scared or just be cool?" He questioned Herra.

She simply looked upon him with a confused look on her face.

"Oh yea! This is a movie or something right? Publicity for the Warhammer series?" Sam relaxed tremendously as he remembered that they really weren't rocketing into space, but was simply involved in an elaborate public relations stunt.

"Chill." Joe spoke as he held out a hand palm down and slowly pumped it up and down. "We don't want to get kicked off the show because we aren't playing along."

"Oh shit yea." Sam nodded as he inspected the amazingly well built life size replica of a drop pod. "This is so awesome. This must be some Hollywood stuff."

"Yea. Shhh." Joe spoke before the pair stood straight and puffed out their chests while looking about in a 'heroic' way.

Herra and the second woman shared a confused look before shaking their heads.

Herra began to count down from 5 as her body began to tense and she crouched into a more stable position. "Hold on!" She commanded as she reached 3…2…1… BAM! The entire capsule rocked left and right nearly spilling Joe and Aaron onto the floor.

"Home sweet home." Celeste spoke as she stood from the seat and walked over to a large green button. She slapped it with her palm and the drop pod door fell outwards again revealing an oddly alien cargo hold filled with motorcycles, boxes, and a large tank.

"Oh WOW! Dude!" Sam laughed righteously as he looked at the amazing reproductions of Witch Hunter tools he had only seen in miniature scale. "This is so awesome!"

"Cool it dude!" Joe reprimanded him once more causing Sam to hunker down and look appropriately abashed.

Sam held out his palms in a placating manner and replied with a hearty, "Sorry Sorry."

"Can you two handle an XR-8 Anti-Ship Cannon?" Herra barked as she ushered them quickly out of the capsule.

Sam and Joe shared a confused look before shrugging and turning to the battle hardened Witch Hunter. In unison the pair replied, "Hell to the yes we can."

"Good." Herra replied as she pointed to a hatch. "One of you in there and the other one follow me."

Joe gave a pleading look that hinted that he would like to follow Herra, most likely anywhere. Sam therefore headed towards the first hatch.

The hatch was circular and had a simple two button control panel on one side. Sizing up the panel Sam ventured to guess that green meant open and so he pressed the button. A sharp whir and the door sprang open. A ladder led downwards towards a seat with three obviously very high definition monitors mounted before it. A joystick and a throttle were connected to the seat and after getting comfortable, Sam tried out the controls.

The joystick rotated the bubble he was inside and the amazingly clear monitors gave him a beautiful view of what looked like the most amazing reproduction of the Earth from space. He was awestruck by the quality involved in such a venture.

"It even smells like I imagined a space ship full of hot women would smell." He breathed as he looked around space using the controls while making the occasional 'pew pew' sound from his mouth. He refrained from pulling the trigger or pressing any of the other buttons.

Joe watched as Sam disappeared through the portal before turning at the waist and placing his attention on Herra. They walked through several portals that separated the metallic hallways. The hollow clang of metal tipped heels echoed all around as he tried to take in the entire scene.

"This… this isn't a real space ship is it?" Joe asked as he returned his gaze to the back of Herra's head.

The beautiful Witch Hunter stopped abruptly; she swiveled and leveled her good eye on Joe. "This is all very real and very dangerous."

Joe looked down at the floor for a moment before looking back up and allowing himself to hold her one good eye with his. "I believe you." He spoke slowly before tears began to mist his eyes. "I… I am… so happy." He choked out before clasping his hands together. "I hated that planet so much."

Herra was flabbergasted at the man's behavior. She didn't know how to handle his reaction and she simply turned back around to guide him to his gun port.

Joe watched intently as she pressed a green button and the hatch whirred open. Joe stepped forward and grasped the ladder that would lead him down into the gun pit before a soft touch from Herra stopped him in his tracks.

"Yellow button activates the weapon system. The throttle controls distance, red button fires missiles, trigger on the stick shoots twin linked guns. Switches allow you to communicate with different lines. Got it?" Herra spoke quickly before releasing his arm.

"Got it." Joe nodded before sliding quickly downwards and strapping himself into the seat.

Sam spotted a yellow button with a lightning bolt next to it and ventured to press it. The entire system returned to center and he shook fiercely as the controls zeroed themselves. The center 'screen' was soon over laid with a glowing green and red reticule. Two separate sets of numbers glowed brightly in the bottom right hand of the screen and 12 yellow dots broken up into two rows of 6 began to flicker to life.

One of the yellow lights began to blink and Sam decided to flip one of the switches on the console that was also blinking.

"Hey fucker. Can you hear me?" cackled Joe's voice over the intercom.

Feeling around with his foot, Sam found a button and pressed on it, allowing him to key his mic. "Testing testing 1 2 3." Sam replied.

"Dude. This is the greatest day of my life." Joe quickly spoke as he realized they could now communicate.

"I know! This movie is going to be AWESOME!" Sam laughed as he placed the Earth firmly between his cross hairs and pretended to blast away at it.

Joe contemplated informing Sam that this was in fact not a movie and was very very real but decided against it. He suspected he would be more interesting if he was fearless.

A shimmering caught Sam's eyes and slowly the hulking mass of an oddly shaped space ship began to materialize. The hull was a mixture of bright and subdued blues. A massive battery of missile launchers pointed dangerously in the direction of the ship.

"Dude. Ship here." Sam spoke quickly as he struggled to contain his excitement. "Should I blast at it?"

"I don't know." Joe replied. "I can't even see it. I think I am on the other side of the ship." He continued with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Stand down." The voice of Celeste echoed through the entire ship. "Do not fire unless provoked."

High Inquisitress Celeste wore a pained expression as she entered the ship's bridge. "Status report." She barked to the orderlies in the room.

A woman wearing ceronite plated powered leg armor strode purposefully over to the captain's chair with a computer tablet in her hands. Her white hair bouncing furiously as the hard armor clanked and whirred with every step. She wore a normal Officers top. The armor built specifically to replace legs lost in some unknown war. "We are being hailed by the ship. They have demanded our surrender and that we relinquish the two Earthlings."

"We can't do that." Celeste spoke softly as she took the tablet for a moment and viewed the contents quickly. She noticed the ship had a full armament of support fighters and a full battery of missiles.

"There is something else Inquisitress." The stoic orderly continued tepidly.

"Yes? Spit out!" Celeste pushed impatiently as she stared hard at the woman before her; she had slipped the tablet back to her.

"This is High Marshall Gelricks ship." She had broke eye contact and tried hard to look over the Inquisitress' shoulder as she relayed the unfortunate news.

"I see. Thank you. Return to your position." Celeste calmly replied as hatred flashed over her features. "Open the communication channel."

"Celeste." Spoke a voice as the green tinged holographic form of a soldier in Imperial power armor began to materialize before the captain's chair.

"Gelrick." Celeste spat as she peered down at the speaking figure before her.

"High Marshall Gelrick." He corrected with a smile. "I don't regret to inform you that I have prepared a boarding party. I will be taking your crew into custody, impounding your… ship… and seizing the two xenomorphic life forms you took it upon yourself to remove from this planet." The emphasis he scathingly placed on ship was not lost on Celeste.

The image of Gelrick had loaded completely and his monochromatic visage sickened Celeste. His barely regulation haircut, trimmed eyebrows, and in her mind she could still see the jet black hue of his hair. The immaculately cared for and rarely used power armor had probably seen more action on the bedroom floor of some hussies' apartment than actual combat.

"We might let you live. I suppose I will need to do a detailed interview of you in my quarters. Probably just simple confusion that has caused you to behave in this manner. Right?" He laughed with malicious intent as several of the Sororitas Sisters in the bridge snuck looks at their leader's face.

"Stand by for transmission of a document. I believe you are mistaken in your well meaning investigation." Celeste calmly replied as she began to shake with barely suppressed rage.

"All right." Gelrick replied before he was cut off from any further recourse.

Celeste had placed the communication on mute and swiveled in her seat to face one of the communications Officers as she began to bark orders. "Forward a redacted copy of our orders to Gelrick. Include the Ordo Sororitas emblem and the signature of Philosopher Bishop."

"Immediately." replied an Orderly who began to furiously type at her console in order to accomplish her assigned task.

Celeste reconnected the conversation and gave a grim smile to Gelrick as he smiled in return as well. "Have you received our documentation?" She questioned with forced politeness.

"I have. It appears these documents may be forged." He spoke quickly.

Anger seared through Celeste's very soul as she struggled to remain seated. "You dare imply that I would harbor a forged seal of the Ordo Sororitas on this ship?"

"I am not implying High Inquisitress. I am accusing." Gelrick replied with a deadly tone. "I am placing you, your crew, and all aboard under arrest for crimes against the Emperor and the sanctity of this Nation."

"This is preposterous!" Celeste nearly screamed as the rage caused her vision to tinge red.

"I will provide you a moment to inform your crew they are to prepare to be boarded. I respect you enough for that." He scoffed.

Placing the communication on mute once more, Celeste began to weigh their options. A well placed missile from the Goliath could be enough to kill them. They might be able to hold out against the fighters for a short while, but with two gun pods being manned by humans of questionable ability; she doubted they could accomplish much. The crew was light, and she needed Herra and her expertise on the bridge.

Placing one blood red glove over her eyes she fought back the urge to scream and rage as she tried to decide what to do. She knew they would kill her crew and the earthlings without as much as a trial. Her fate would probably be much worse, as Gelrick would attempt to assault her until he grew board or it became necessary to eliminate her.

"Celeste. Look." Herra piped up, interrupting her concentration. The Witch Hunter was pointing at the muted form of Gelrick. He appeared to be arguing with some body and his face was contorted in rage.

"What in the Emperor's name?" Celeste moaned as she realized that one of the gun pods had opened communication with the Goliath class ship. She quickly removed the mute from the conversation.

"No no no… You heard me wrong. I said I would hold you down while my friend here violates you with a cart of jungle fruits. That is a very important detail that you don't seem to be grasping." Sam spoke calmly.

"I..Identify yourself!" Gelrick screamed as his face contorted into a rage possessed scowl.

"Pat. Pat MaGroin." Sam replied calmly. "The one with the cart is named Joe. Joe Mama."

Joe giggled uncontrollably as he bit his lip and shook with fits of laughter in the padded gunners' seat. He was listening to Sam berate the guy who was going to kill everyone on the ship, and couldn't stop laughing. He had accepted that their trip into a wondrous new world was going to be cut very short.

"Now see here you moron!" Gelrick shouted once more. "I am about to blow you and your rickety ship out of this galaxy! Do you understand who I am?"

"I'm Rick James Bitch!" Sam spouted off at the mouth once more before holding up his middle finger. He waved it around in several directions inside the cabin as he wasn't sure where the video camera recording him and his antics was situated.

"Mr. James, You just made my short list of people who I plan to dismember with my bare hands." Gelrick hissed.

"Shall I disconnect the communication line from gun 7?" Inquired an Orderly.

Celeste shook her head 'no' slowly as she resigned to their fate. "If the beast plans to devour us, then let us be as disgusting and unappetizing a meal as possible." Celeste replied amidst a low key and proud rumble of approval.

Aiming his cross hairs at the missile launchers mounted on the top of the space ship, Sam gently squeezed the trigger of his weapon. A vibration shook the reinforced plasticarbon windshields as the cannon spat a controlled burst of 3 balls of plasma at the ship.

"YOU DARE FIRE UPON AN EMPERIAL SHIP! PREPARE TO DIE!" Gelrick cried out as the plasma splattered harmlessly against an invisible barrier approximately 80 feet off of the hull of the ship.

"Shield technology I see." Sam spoke as he rekeyed the microphone once more. "Prepare to get waxed!" he cried back before shutting down the communication link and cranking off three more bolts.

"Oh shit." Herra spoke as her console began to erupt with activity. "Incoming missiles!" She cried out.

"Brace for impact! Know this! I have the deepest respect for all of you!" Celeste cried out as her finger tips instinctively gripped the chair's arm rests. A serene calm seemed to befall her and the rest of the crew as they prepared for the last moments of life.

An eternity of seconds passed before the crew began to look around at each other. The blast they expected hadn't come. The ship shook lightly, but beyond that, the utter destruction they expected was slow coming.

"Inquisitress, look!" Herra called out as she punched a few more commands into her system. The hologram machine flickered to life once more and the Goliath ship appeared to be launching projectile weapon salvos unabated. Bursts of plasma energy seared a fiery green on the hologram as they sped outwards to meet each missile in turn.

The radio cackled to life once more as another salvo disappeared from the screen, met with the same fate as the other. "I said I'm Rick James Bitch!" echoed the excited call of Sam once more. Obviously intended for Gelrick.

"Quickly! I need you to take neuro-control of the ship. Can you get us into the warp?" Celeste cried out as she made eye contact with the amazed looking 'Triss at her control console.

"Aye aye!" 'Triss yelled out as a grin cracked over her face. She removed her red gloves to reveal two black input ports on the top of her hands. Reaching down into her console she removed two cords with which she cleanly connected her hands. As soon as she made the second connection her face became impassively blank and the ship began to bank powerfully away from the Goliath ship.

A voice rang out over the intercom in a metallic impression of 'Triss'. "It will require approximately 24 minutes to enter Warp Space Inquisitress. Please hang on."

The diminutive infiltrator class ship began to bob and weave as Sam and Joe continued to knock missiles out of the surrounding battleground.

On board the Emperor's Challenge, the Goliath Class ship that housed Gelrick, the Marshall was absolutely furious. His sleazy features were screwed up into a hideous contortion as he demanded that his crew blow the small ship up.

"We can't sir! It appears their anti missile defense is beyond the known capabilities of a ship of that size." Called out one of the weapons specialists seated near a wall of flashing lights and illuminated targeting screens.

"I don't want excuses ensign!" called out Gelrick as he slammed his hand down on the arm rest of his seat. "Release the Terminators!" He bellowed.

"Second stage." Sam spoke as he keyed his microphone to connect with Joe's pod. "First you blow up the missiles. Then you take out the little ships. Then you beat big mama. Just like every other video game in the entire world." He laughed.

"Yep." Joe replied calmly before squeezing the trigger on his turret and knocking yet another missile out of commission.

The tiny dart shaped fast attack craft began to pour from the huge ship in waves of six. They streaked forward leaving a wake of yellow plasma that helped Sam judged what direction they were flying by the quickly dissipating line of energy.

"That's six!" Sam called out as he destroyed the first six craft. "I destroyed like 50 or so missiles and six ships. Can you beat that Joe?"

"I can if you leave me some, ass." Joe cried back as sweat began to bead on his forehead.

As the ships collided with the bolts of energy streaking from Joe and Sam's turrets, they would blossom into an incredibly bright ball of plasma; sometimes taking down ships flying too closely in their formation as well creating a chain reaction of immense proportions.

"I can't believe this." Celeste breathed as she stared at a rolling streak of numbers and letters on her battle report screen. The battle was being translated from blood and plasma into a printed form she could monitor. The skill being exhibited by the two humans was unbelievable, and occasionally Sam would make shots considered impossible by even Tau standards.

"Are you seeing this?" Herra asked as she rotated at her console to look at Celeste. "I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eye."

"I still don't believe it." Celeste replied as she gazed hard at the screen.

"Who is YOUR DADDY?" Joe cried out as he locked target on a formation of ships that had swung in an odd arc to avoid fire coming from Sam's turret. He began rapidly pressing the red button on his 'throttle control' causing a streak of missiles to rocket outwards and detonate just in front of the ships. As they passed through the massive ball of plasma, they began to tumble and break apart before creating a spectacular stream of energy and bits of broken ship that lit up the entire quadrant of sky.

"We have missiles!" Sam yelled over the intercom. "How did you do that?" He demanded.

"Red button on the throttle. Control where they explode using the throttle." Joe replied calmly.

"Hot damn!" Sam whooped as he began mixing missile and plasma cannon fire to further increase his kills.

Celeste couldn't bring herself to look away from the console as 'Triss continued to make her way towards the Earth's moon. Celeste had guessed she planned to place the massive rock between them and the Goliath in order to help facilitate their eventual drop into the Warp.

"I'm out of missiles." Joe spoke over the radio system as he clicked at the red button on his control system. "How are you doing?"

Sam continued to fire for a few more moments before keying up the mic. "Aaaaaaannnndddd out." Sam stretched out the 'and' before firing off his final missile. "So when do we win?"

"We win if we live." Voiced Celeste over the inter ship communication system. Her voice sounded cold and detached as the number of ships in the surrounding area continued to drop.

"Oh hey! Can we get some more missiles?" Sam asked as he blew up two more ships. His laughter cackled over the radio in tandem with the buzzing and whine of the XR-8 cannon thumping.

Herra cocked an eyebrow as she made eye contact with Celeste. The pair had heard of eager fighters; but the pleasure that Sam and Joe appeared to be deriving from blasting Space Marines into space dust was unnatural. It was unfathomable to them to listen to someone laugh and joke even in the heat of such a suicidal battle.

Sam flipped a few switches and tried the microphone again after a lull in the fight. He expected the next wave to begin any moment from now and decided he would try demanding surrender from Gelrick.

"Hey, Major Looser!" Sam called over the system. He drummed his fingers on the missile detonation control system impatiently as he awaited some kind of answer.

"Mr. James." The cool voice of Gelrick replied cautiously to the call of Sam. "What do you want?"

"Looks like me and my crew here are about done beating you down. Now if you don't want to be executed immediately you will prepare yourself to be boarded. So surrender. All right?" Sam spoke as he attempted to mirror the militaristic speech mannerisms used by Gelrick.

"Excuse me? Mr. James that is a preposterous proposition." Gelrick was incredulous at the offer.

"Listen, as an Ork player it's my duty to completely destroy you but I am going to give you an opportunity to save your sorry hide. We just wiped out like 50 of your space ships a piece here."

"Ork? You consider yourself an ambassador of the Orks?" Gelrick questioned.


End file.
